On Faith
by Ananthous
Summary: He's tired of wild goose chases. He's tired of being lied to, kept in the dark, and used. And he is really, really tired of Udina.
1. Chapter 1

_This should be a three-parter. Thanks for reading._

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On Faith  
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It was time to assess options. He was trapped in a classic bottleneck, and could get picked off any moment if he wasn't careful. While he'd certainly gained quite a bit of experience with frontal assaults in the last year, he was still more comfortable with a strategy weighted towards stealth. He wasn't interested in being reckless, particularly when he wasn't entirely sure why he was even here. It was one thing to die in defense of the galaxy in a blaze of glory, and quite another to throw it all away on some over-starched diplomat's hunch. There was a narrow archway ahead, and he moved towards it. If the schematics he had were correct, there should be a small control room up there; it should be as good a place to regroup as any. Of course, if any of the information he'd been provided had been correct so far, he wouldn't be in such desperate need of regrouping. There was a footfall behind him. Before he could react, his armor's shields flared as they absorbed the force of multiple impacts. He turned smoothly and thrust out his arm in an automatic gesture, a haze of blue light radiating from his forearm.

Kaidan Alenko staggered backwards down the hallway, snapping off three rapid shots at the hovering merc he'd only barely managed to capture in a lift. Satisfied when the limp form slumped bonelessly to the floor, he turned and stepped into cover by the side of the doorway in front of him. He peered carefully around the threshold at the room ahead, and jerked back immediately at the sound of fire. Between his visual and the tracking being fed to his helmet, it was clear he faced at least six more hostiles. The room was also not the size and configuration he'd been expecting; the space was large and open, but contained a few reasonable cover options – for both attacker and defender. It was the sort of setup he and his team would be able to sanitize in minutes. If he were still with his team. Alone as he was and with his position already revealed, it was potentially suicide.

He took a steadying breath and considered. It had been necessary to drop at least a half-dozen guards to make it this point, but he was sure that there were still more people behind him. The hallways he'd been navigating had been spotted with multiple closed doors; lacking support, he'd been unable to search them. If he tried to turn back now, he would likely end up surrounded. The room ahead, on the other hand, appeared to be a dead end. If he could clear it, he would cleverly limit advancing mercs to a single attack point... as well as hopelessly trap himself. Kaidan rolled his shoulders in frustration. Moving backward was not an option, and successfully taking the room ahead should at least buy him enough time to try and contact his ground team. Simple. Wishing he had someone to lay down a little suppressive fire, he darted around the doorway and sprinted for cover just as his comm crackled to life.

"Commander! We've encountered heavy resistance! Rinaldi and I are pinned down, and we've lost visual with the other team. Tomi's been hit and needs evac, and we're low on medigel. What are your orders?"

As his biotic shield repelled a burst of fire, Kaidan ducked behind a large metal crate and struggled to come up with a response for Pvt. Denson. This mission, going somewhat poorly from the start, was rapidly becoming a complete disaster. He had been separated from his team almost immediately, and it had apparently since fractured further. His brief's intel about the facility's size and design had proven completely inaccurate, and the estimations they had been given about the guard complement were laughably optimistic. Kaidan still wasn't sure what the purpose of this hive of buildings was, but it had obviously been built with defensibility in mind. It was a nightmare warren of blind corners and sniper's nests, staffed with enough armed guards to crush an assault with sheer numbers. And now, with his people in danger, the corners of his vision were beginning to darken. As the column of his neck stiffened and his temples grew hot, he fought a surge of panic. If he gave into this impending migraine now, none of them would make it out alive.

The sound of rushing air and the skitter of metal on metal alerted him, but too late; a flashbang exploded off to the left, and his vision flared white. He had been attempting to ignore the high-pitched whine already echoing behind his ears, and now suddenly it was as if he could feel every synapse in his brain misfiring and directing a surge of biotic energy straight down his spine. His knees buckled; he could only scrabble helplessly for the call button on his comm, desperate to silence at least one of the sources of aural agony surrounding him. Blue lights pulsed before his eyes and an acrid, burning smell taunted him with thoughts of amp-seared flesh. Kaidan had felt this sort of blind panic before while caught in tough situations, but a long time had passed since it had last been coupled with the fear that he wasn't only offering himself for the slaughter.

That thought steadied him like a slap across the face. His people needed him. He'd seen firsthand what happened to officers who lost whole squads, and he had quite enough guilt to live with already. Kaidan shut his eyes for a moment, and forced himself to breathe. He forced his shoulders down from the protective hunch he had automatically assumed, and gave his neck an experimental roll. The popping lights behind his eyelids dimmed slightly, and the lancing pain in his head subsided into a throbbing ache. Six guys. Fine. He could do that. He just had to hope that they hadn't moved up inescapably on him while the grenade had kept him pinned. It was past time to make his move.

When he'd been called into Councilman Anderson's office a week prior, Kaidan had been hoping to finally get some new information about the activities of the second Normandy. After having Shepard's rumored partnership with Cerberus – not to mention her survival – abruptly confirmed in front of his own incredulous eyes during the Collector attack on Horizon, he'd begun a crusade to discover everything that he could about her mission. Anderson had been mildly helpful; he shared Kaidan's interest in Shepard's actions, but Anderson had access to information far above Kaidan's pay grade with which he could not be entirely forthcoming. What bits and pieces that Kaidan had managed to learn had done little to alleviate his fears that Cerberus was using his old commander for its own motives, but it had at least made him feel that the woman herself meant well. And there was little doubt that, somehow, this _was_ Shepard; he couldn't imagine anyone else that would keep making philanthropic detours from a mission that likely concerned the very survival of organic life throughout the galaxy.

She had called upon a number of old friends, people that Kaidan had developed very high opinions of during their time working together as crew members on the Normandy SR-1. Garrus Vakarian and Tali Zorah had both signed on for her new mission, which attested to its inherent importance. It seemed that she had extracted each of them from their own sticky spots, but he doubted that gratitude alone would have compelled them to take berth on a vessel funded by a human-supremacist group. And while Garrus had often been more concerned with the end than the means, Kaidan thought it unlikely that Tali could have changed so much in two years that she would take any part in the sort of unsavory mission that one might reasonably suppose Cerberus to be involved with.

More evidence for the pile: Liara T'Soni had not actually joined Shepard on the Normandy 2, but she had provided valuable information for free. To be fair, Liara had become an information broker of sorts, and had even proved willing, if reluctantly, to work with himself. While Liara had been very cold to him, she had eventually responded to his repeated requests for a few answers of his own. She refused to share with him many details, but vehemently insisted that she herself had actually located Shepard's dead body – "Something that your Alliance did not find it necessary to do, not even for burial, despite everything she did, despite everything she was!" – and given it over to Cerberus. She had faced ridiculous dangers, all because she believed that The Illusive Man actually had a chance at fulfilling his promise to bring Shepard back. It was hard to digest, but he couldn't think of a reason for Liara to lie to him. Which meant that Shepard had not deceived or abandoned him, had not abandoned _them_, but had actually been dead for two years and then awakened into a world that had moved on without her. Kaidan could hardly imagine something more horrifying.

To his great frustration, the most crucial information he sought had eluded him. Thirty-seven days earlier, the Normandy SR-2 had activated the Omega 4 relay and disappeared into the certain death sentence beyond. And then returned, battle-scarred but whole. While he had known even before meeting her that Shepard made a hobby of defying death, it was all getting a little too literal for him. Ever since, he had been desperately trying to find out what Shepard had been looking for in a supposed black hole, what she had found, and what she had done about it. Anderson knew, Kaidan was sure of that. And the weight that had bowed the Councilor's shoulders ever since entire human colonies had begun disappearing had finally been lifted. Which likely meant that Shepard had managed to save a few billion more lives, just in case her lifetime tally had been reset when she died.

Whatever the truth was, he'd been disappointed upon entering the Councilman's office. Anderson hadn't even been inside; Donnel Udina stood there instead, the usual smug expression painted across his face. Even years later, Kaidan still couldn't stand working with Udina. His callous treatment of Shepard still rankled, and the simple fact was that Udina had forced them into mutiny. The Ambassador's refusal to see the truth and to trust Shepard had nearly handed victory to the Reapers. Kaidan had rather hoped that Udina would suffer some consequences for nearly dooming all organic life, but that was only the first of many disappointments he would face in the post-Battle of the Citadel world. Anderson had been beset on all sides by complaints from the Alliance brass that he lacked the necessary political acumen to take his new place on the Council without some experienced help. He'd been forced to accept Udina as his "advisor", but it often appeared that Udina fancied himself in the first chair.

The ignoble beginning to this entire fiasco, for example: Udina assigning Kaidan a mission in Anderson's place, and refusing to elaborate on a skeletal outline. A few facility diagrams and some vague guesses about the expected resistance were provided; the required outcome seemed to be of little importance, to Udina at least. When asked point-blank about the mission's purpose, there was only officious hand-waving and muttering about the big picture. Kaidan had had plenty of time for self-reflection in the months immediately following Shepard's death, and he felt he'd learned a lot about himself. He could admit that he was sometimes a bit paranoid, but it really seemed to be the only appropriate attitude to take with Udina. And everything about this seemed off. But what choice did he have – even with all that had happened, with everything that it had cost him, Kaidan still clung to the chain of command. He assembled a team, suited up, and headed out.

And now was the moment of truth. He had six targets between him and a shot at salvaging this ridiculous mission for nothing, or at least getting some help to his team. He would lead with an overload, then take out the mercs while their armor was down-the entire room shuddered as an explosion sent dust and debris into the air, and his omni-tool buzzed as the number of unconfirmed signatures in the room suddenly increased by three. He felt a prickle in his own biotic shield, and chanced a peak around the side of the crate he was sheltering behind. Three of the mercs were hovering in the air, wrapped in a glowing blue field, and they were quickly picked off by sniper shots. Kaidan traced the trajectory, and saw a turian exiting cover; a bald, heavily-tattooed human woman flanked him. And charging out ahead of them, throwing a shockwave with her left hand while firing her heavy pistol with her right, was Commander Shepard. Kaidan's head swiveled back; he realized that underneath the new facial scarring, the turian was Garrus. The woman he didn't recognize, but he knew Shepard had picked up a human convict who was supposed to be a supremely powerful biotic; this person appeared to fit the bill on all counts.

"Where is the rest of your team?"

Kaidan blinked; while he'd been assessing her ground crew, Shepard had dispatched the other three mercs in the room and moved on to interrogating him. His mind caught up with his ears, and he commed Pvt. Denson. There was no response, but his team's armor beacons were still operational. Kaidan gestured vaguely to the east in response to Shepard's question. She nodded, and took off in that direction without another word.

"Wait – what are you doing here? How did you find us? How did you even get in here – there wasn't another entrance into this room..." Garrus had silently followed Shepard without so much as a glance in his direction, while the human woman had given him an appraising look before ambling after them. It was she who answered his half-shouted questions as Kaidan remembered how his legs worked and followed.

"What we're doing is saving your dumb ass. We found you because we were supposed to. And we don't need entrances. We _make_ them," she drawled. "Now, if you give a crap about your people, shut up and let Shepard do her thing."

As much as the stark admonishment rankled, Kaidan knew the woman had a point. He could ask questions later, after his team had been secured. He fell in behind the trio, and attempted to help while they stormed their way towards his stranded men. The three acted as a well-oiled unit, and despite his own expertise he felt as though he were really only getting in their way. He couldn't help a brief, nostalgic thought: not so long ago, Shepard had inevitably picked Garrus and himself to support her on all her diciest missions. They had fought their way across Ilos and up the Citadel tower together; now, he appeared to have been replaced.

It didn't take long to find his soldiers and finish off the surrounding mercs. Denson and Rinaldi were quickly patched up, and Thomas would be fine once she could see the inside of a medbay. Tomi, however, was dead. Dead because Kaidan hadn't reached him fast enough, dead because the team had fractured under his leadership, dead because he hadn't properly prepared his people for what they would be facing. Indisputably dead, not the Shepard-kind of death that blew over like a bad cold. Tomi was dead because of him. But also, Tomi was dead because of Udina and this bullshit mission. The team had fractured and been unprepared because Udina had shoved them out the door without any decent information. And he had ended up stranded alone, until – until a goddamn ghost had blown a wall in and started mowing down guards.

Kaidan spun on his heel, his mind a whirl. Garrus was providing a packet of medigel to Thomas, and the convict was standing a bit away from the group, arms crossed and looking bored. Shepard appeared to be radioing the Normandy. "You," he snapped, pointing at Shepard. "What are you doing here? What is going on? If you were actually here for us, like..." he gestured impatiently at the tattooed woman, "said, then why couldn't you have gotten here sooner? Too busy with Cerberus? Why are you always around when the people I'm working with start to die?"

Shepard had stiffened the moment he began to talk; by the end of his rant, she might as well have been the statue they had erected at her monument on Mindoir. The biotic woman was looking at him with guarded interest, and his own soldiers appeared shocked at the way he was speaking to someone who was both a celebrity and their savior. Thomas had opened her mouth, probably to suggest that he lay off, but closed it when Garrus began to move. The turian had so far paid no special attention to him, but Kaidan now found himself fixed with the dead-eyed glare of an expert sniper. Garrus gestured Denson over to help Thomas with the medigel packet, and then straightened up to his full height. He took a few steps forward, stopping about two feet away. Kaidan idly noticed that Garrus was now blocking his line of sight to Shepard, and wondered if it was deliberate.

"Alenko. If you're so curious as to why we are here, perhaps you should have a talk with the man who sent _you_ here. The Commander hasn't said, but this is obviously no coincidence. And if you think that _she_ is to blame, then you have forgotten more in the last two years than I would have thought possible." The turian's tone was glacial, and Kaidan actually flinched in the face of his obvious anger. Kaidan had been proud to consider Garrus a friend, once. To have obviously fallen so far in his estimation was rather painful. The initial sting of censure slowed Kaidan's reactions, but the implication of the turian's words suddenly sunk in.

"Wait. Are you telling me that you're here because of _Udina_? How would that even work?" Kaidan tried to lean around Garrus to address Shepard directly, but Garrus moved with him. "You – Shepard – wouldn't even listen to Udina back when you – she – whatever – were supposed to!"

Shepard cleared her throat, and Garrus immediately moved out of the way. She looked at Kaidan for a moment, expression completely blank. Kaidan wasn't sure if the flash of hurt that he saw in her eyes was something that he imagined, or that only someone who knew her well would possibly catch. When she finally began to speak, her tone was flat. She might have been speaking to someone that she had only just met, and didn't particularly like at first glance.

"We're here because we needed to be. I am certainly sorry that we didn't arrive early enough to save the life of your teammate, and you might actually be right that his death is our fault. I don't think that you understand why, though. I'm not sure that you understand much of anything, anymore. Now. My crew and I have to go have a few words with Udina. If you're really interested in keeping your people alive in the future, you might want to have a chat with him yourself." She paused, and her eyes almost closed for the briefest moment. She drew a ragged breath, and shame suddenly flared in Kaidan's chest. "I'm glad... that you're okay," she whispered.

Shepard turned, and headed toward the nearest visible exit. Her team fell in behind her, and the trio vanished without further comment. Kaidan felt three sets of eyes on him, and turned to face his soldiers. Denson and Rinaldi studiously avoided his gaze, but Thomas was glaring at him. Kaidan resisted the urge to roll his eyes and reminded himself that, despite all evidence to the contrary, he was actually the one in charge and no one here had nearly enough information about his personal life to judge him.

"Thomas, stow it. Denson, help her up. Rinaldi, radio the ship for pick up. We have to report in to the Citadel. Keep the details quiet once we're back on board. Particularly about Commander Shepard showing up. Thomas, _really_, just save it. Udina will get all the relevant information, I'm just not interested in dealing with the gossip."

Kaidan walked a short distance away from his men, trying to clear his head. The life-or-death part of the day having passed, his migraine was returning full force. The pain was steadily increasing, and it was getting even harder to think straight. His stress level wasn't exactly helping; he'd almost been more comfortable while he was still being shot at. He'd finally gotten to see Shepard again, and it had gone even more poorly than the first time. Who would have thought that was even possible. And what had she meant as to his lack of understanding, that he should talk to Udina? How could he be the one of them out of the loop with the Alliance, he was the only one who actually still worked for them! And for that matter, what was going on with Garrus? He'd seemed really... protective of Shepard, where had that come from?

Kaidan scrubbed his hands over his face in frustration. Okay. He'd get back to the ship, he'd get some time in a nice dark room until his head stopped pounding, and then he'd figure out how he was going to deal with Udina. His shoddy treatment during the briefing, this disaster of a mission, Shepard and Garrus implying he was being led around by the nose... it was all just the perfect topper to months of being kept in the dark by Anderson. When he got to the Citadel, he was going to get some answers. If that meant making Udina's day a bit uncomfortable, then that was just a bonus. Now that his shock had worn off a bit, it was obvious that he should be blaming Udina for Tomi's death, not Shepard. And despite his misgivings about trusting the new Cerberus-affiliated Shepard, he had no trouble at all believing that Udina was being less than forthcoming with him. This might not go well. He sighed. Might want to spend the entire trip in that dark room.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks to everybody who read the first part, especially the reviewers. You guys make my day. Anyway, here's part two - I hope you like dialogue. Beware my usual dose of naughty words. Expect the last chapter in a week._

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Commander Shepard paused in front of Adviser Udina's office door. Alenko was still behind her, weary and splashed with blood. He'd been dogging her steps since she'd exited the airlock from the Normandy and seen him waiting for her. She'd first been surprised to see him at all, and then startled by his unhealthy appearance. He seemed not to have gotten any sleep at all since she'd last seen him. She did recall however, with uncomfortable clarity, the particular wrung-out look he was wearing having been previously brought on by migraines and stress. She supposed that a bit of stress, at least, would have been an inevitable bedfellow during his trip to the Citadel.

She'd been confidant that the Normandy could easily beat his vessel in the race to Udina, and that she'd be able to have her little confrontation with the diplomat in peace. Unfortunately, the bumpy trip through the Omega 4 relay hadn't exactly been kind to her ship. Money wasn't flowing quite so abundantly as it had been, and repairs were going slowly. Joker hadn't shut up about the damage to his baby once in the last five weeks, and she'd taken to asking him how much he fancied being spaced. It would make them even, she suggested. The threats had yet to have any effect on the pilot's attitude or whining.

Rather humiliatingly, Alenko had made it to the Citadel before her. He had then, apparently, decided to wait around for her. That worried her, because it meant that Kaidan wasn't interested in getting to Udina first; instead, he wanted to be there at the same time. She'd suggested planet-side that Kaidan should try to get some answers, but it hadn't occurred to her at the time that he'd try to get them from _her_. Actually, after the open suspicion that he'd treated her with both times they'd met recently, she wouldn't have thought that he would believe anything she said anyway. Perhaps she still ranked somewhere above Udina on the trustworthy scale, however backhanded a compliment that might be. Or perhaps he was just trying to keep an eye on her, afraid that she would regale Udina with an exaggerated version of recent events that made his team look incompetent. Shepard desperately hoped that she could throw Kaidan off before she confronted Udina; despite the distance now between them, she didn't want him to realize how he was being used.

She did her best to arrange her features into a look of polite disinterest, and turned around to face him. "Wouldn't you like to go get cleaned up? I just have to provide a sit rep to Udina, and then I'll be doing the same. It isn't necessary for you to sit in, since I'm sure you'll be giving your own briefing to him at some point."

Kaidan's forehead crinkled into an expression of sheer disbelief. "I was, in fact, sent on my own mission, you know. Which was well under way by the time you showed up and involved yourself. I'm not sure what you were even doing in the middle of an Alliance operation, but I'm pretty interested in finding out. Especially since you arrived precisely when everything went to hell – sort of like the last time I saw you, actually, on Horizon. I guess at least this time we managed to keep the friendly body count down to single digits." He gave her a pointed look, suspicion practically radiating from him.

Shepard sighed. She had been hoping, fruitlessly it seemed, that her heroic actions while working with Cerberus would be worth something to Alenko. Or that if the 'with Cerberus' part was too hard for him to swallow, maybe her ultimate break with The Illusive Man would ease Alenko's mistrust of her motives. Or hell, maybe he could dig around in his memory and draw on the year they had spent tooling around the galaxy together saving all organic life for a little bit of insight into her character. Was it possible that he had been this paranoid two years ago, or had all this happened while she had been gone? How could he be this suspicious of her, yet blindly trust Udina? Did he treat everyone as a potential enemy now, or was she a special case? Dammit, she'd been good enough for Garrus and Tali and Liara. Wrex and Joker, too. Chakwas. Did he think she'd wanted to work with Cerberus? He was a smart guy, was he refusing to see the truth just to punish her?

"So you're thinking that I sabotaged your mission, perhaps? That I swooped in just to make the Alliance, or maybe you personally, look stupid? On behalf of a particular human-supremacist splinter group that I don't even work with anymore? Fine then," she snapped. "You want some answers? You want to know why I was there and how I knew to be? Then by all means, let's go report to your pal Udina together. But don't blame me if you end up hearing a few things you don't want to know. Actually, who am I kidding? Everything's my fucking fault now, isn't it?" She threw up her hands in frustration and jabbed impatiently at the door control, storming through when the panel finally slid open.

Kaidan blinked. He hadn't been expecting the venom in Shepard's voice. She'd always been slow to anger off the battlefield – it was what he'd always admired most about her, that she was just as effective at negotiating as killing. Kaidan was also surprised to hear that she was no longer with Cerberus – wasn't she still using a ship they had built for her, staffed by indoctrinated members of their own ranks? Had she gone rogue and somehow managed to take the ship and crew with her? He supposed that she always had been excellent at building personal loyalty. After months out in space facing death everyday, the Normandy 2's crew likely would feel more beholden to her than to The Illusive Man. And she'd recruited a number of aliens; seeing them working to protect human colonies would probably have shaken the Cerberus lifers' politics a bit.

This was exactly why it was so frustrating that his knowledge of her activities was so sketchy. She could be lying to him, and he'd have no idea. Or she could be completely sincere. He had first-hand knowledge of her ability to pull off the impossible with the right group of people. Suddenly hesitant, he followed the Commander as she walked into Udina's office, her boots ringing on the polished floor. Kaidan wondered if she was wearing full armor for the intimidation factor, or if she simply never took it off these days. Did she ever feel safe enough for civvies? Shepard marched right past the protesting receptionist, and stalked directly up to the overlarge desk in the middle of the well-appointed room. She stood right against the wood, glaring directly down at Udina. She wasn't the tallest person, but standing in all her gear over a seated figure gave her a distinct height advantage. The diplomat looked up abruptly from his data pad, clearly startled by the interruption.

"Udina, you goddamn traitorous son of a bitch!" she barked.

Udina remained frozen for a long moment, struck speechless for possibly the first time in his long and storied career. Kaidan, already startled by Shepard's earlier behavior towards himself, just barely managed to suppress an actual yelp of surprise at this seemingly out of character behavior. He wondered, not for the first time, just what had happened to her during her time with Cerberus. Whether she had suffered while being reanimated. If she had been able to really connect with her crew, or if she were constantly dancing on the spot to keep them loyal to a version of her that didn't exist anymore. What working with an organization she had once hated had cost her. And how much it had changed her.

"Shepard. What are you doing here? I do not have anything to say to you, unless you are here to explain yourself to the Council..." Udina had recovered his officious manner quickly enough, and pulled himself casually to his feet in an attempt to regain control of the situation. He trailed off and his paternalistic sneer faltered somewhat when he noticed Kaidan, standing awkwardly behind Shepard.

Shepard leaned forward across the desk, deliberately invading Udina's personal space. "You know exactly why I'm here, _Sir_. You and I need to have a little discussion about boundaries." Her neutral expression gave way to a predatory smile. "Specifically, the kind that I would like for you to start keeping between your schemes and my personal life. And, given present company, I suppose we can also cover a topic that you and I have a bit of experience with – namely, your need to control my actions and how that's going to get everyone killed. Especially the aforementioned present company."

Udina had backed away from Shepard a bit while she spoke, and now turned to Kaidan. "Commander Alenko, I'm sure that you can provide me with your mission report at another time. As distasteful as I may find it, you can see that I must deal with Commander Shepard right now. You will return in a few hours. Dismissed."

Kaidan studied the diplomat dispassionately. He looked nervous, although he was hiding it well. Given his career, that was hardly surprising. Despite Udina's general veneer of calm, his initial reaction to seeing Shepard and Kaidan in his office at the same time had betrayed him; his apparent wish to separate them also spoke volumes. And if Kaidan hadn't allowed Shepard to dissuade him from getting the answers he wanted from these two, Udina didn't stand a chance in hell.

"Actually, it's clear that I'm involved in whatever it is you need to 'deal with' the Commander about. She's intimated that, and you're providing a pretty solid case yourself. Also, seeing as how she wandered right into the middle of the mission you sent me on – one that she certainly didn't find out about from me, at least – I'm curious as to the nature of her involvement in whatever it is that you're trying to have me accomplish. And, who knows, with both of you here I might actually find something out for once. If only by accident." Kaidan didn't bother to maintain his professional facade any longer. He was here for answers. A man was dead. He was being toyed with. He was going to find out why.

Udina's eyes bulged slightly; he never had handled being disobeyed very gracefully, Kaidan thought idly. "You will leave this room immediately, Commander. This conversation is not for your ears. I will not stand-"

"Donnel, cut the shit. He's not an idiot. He's going to figure out what you've been up to soon enough anyway. You know he lost a man on that pleasure cruise you sent him on? Think the Alliance brass might have something to say about that?" Shepard's voice was steel in January, and Kaidan wondered why she was suddenly on his side. Maybe she just wanted to annoy Udina. Or maybe she'd decided that he deserved to be treated like an adult. Either way, Udina had turned slightly red and appeared to be winding himself up for an epic bluster. Shepard didn't allow him the opportunity.

"Now. A few days ago, I received some very interesting information from a so-called 'anonymous source'. Apparently, an old crew-mate of mine was going to be sent into a dangerous situation. One that he would be inadequately prepared for, and so would have some trouble dealing with, despite his own high level of skill. And so, if I had any interest in the continued good health of said former crew-mate, it would probably behoove me to run off to their aid. This, I am fairly sure, is the extent of what I was supposed to know. I wonder, I wonder, where could this interesting information have come from? Do you have any ideas, Donnel?"

Udina simply crossed his arms and intensified the glare that he was directing at Shepard. She didn't mean for him to actually respond, and he knew it. He also likely had nothing to say.

"Funny thing, information. I used to have some issues getting hold of it, verifying it, that sort of thing. Alliance intel was so often incomplete, and when I was working with the lovely folks at Cerberus – well, you can probably imagine that The Illusive Man liked to play things pretty close to the chest. But something wonderful happened not too long ago. You're a diplomat Donnel, manipulating information is your stock and trade, so I think you'll appreciate this. Can you imagine how handy it is to be friends with the Shadow Broker? And can you imagine how easy that makes it to filter through layers of bullshit when people are trying to lead you astray? Can you imagine that, if people _knew_ I had a social circle like that, that they would ever try to mislead me so blatantly again?"

If he were privileged enough to lead a normal life, the idea that Shepard not only knew the identity of the Shadow Broker, but actually considered him a _friend_ would be the most shocking part of the last few minutes. Or, perhaps, the suggestion that his mission had been a deliberate trap. Instead, Kaidan was much more intrigued by Udina's face, and the ashen cast it now bore. And by the implications that this reaction suggested.

"I've never liked you, Donnel. And you've never particularly liked me, beyond the opportunity that I once presented as the first human Spectre. But I know you're not without skills and intelligence, and I know that there is no way you would have been stupid enough to pull this stunt if you thought there was any chance that I'd be able to trace it back to you. Or, perhaps even more embarrassing for you, if you'd realized that somebody else had already tried the very same trick. And yet, here we are."

Udina looked positively sick. Shepard turned away from him to face Kaidan. "Some of this isn't my place to tell you. This, though... you were sent to Horizon to make sure that their defenses were up to snuff in case of a Collector attack. You were also bait. The Illusive Man, for all his faults, knows how the Alliance thinks. He knew that if he floated rumors that I was alive and investigating the Collectors, then the Alliance would send somebody out to test the intel. Somebody who knew how I thought, and somebody whom I would prefer kept out of the entire situation – particularly if Cerberus were really behind the attacks themselves. There was really only one person that the Alliance had that fit the bill, and so they followed their script by sending him out. And then I followed _my_ script, when The Illusive Man told me that the colony you were working with was about to be attacked.

"The Alliance needed you there to draw my attention. And The Illusive Man needed you there to draw the Collectors. Because he thought that they had developed an unhealthy interest in my activities and associations, and would love the chance to test that theory. And assuming you drew the Collectors, he knew that you would also draw me. So everybody got to manipulate you to manipulate me. And we both almost died, but at least all the paper generals got some solid intel, right?"

Kaidan wasn't sure what to make of all this. She was suggesting that the Alliance had been manipulated into sending him out to Horizon by Cerberus? Or was she saying that the Alliance had used him themselves? Or a bit of both? He looked at Udina, who had heavily retaken his seat. His diplomatic instincts appeared to have reasserted control, and the man's face was carefully expressionless.

Shepard, too, turned back toward Udina. "So, Donnel, what happened next, hmm? You learned that the Collectors were indeed the actors behind the colony disappearances, not Cerberus. You learned that those same Collectors seemed interested in me, personally. And you learned that if someone put Kaidan Alenko in danger, then I would show up. Handy piece of info, that last one."

This conclusion, stated so bluntly, made Kaidan's head swing back towards Shepard. Surely, she had gone to Horizon because The Illusive Man had warned her of the impending Collector attack, not because he had been there?

"The problem, Donnel, is that you are just not as good at this game as The Illusive Man. Your pretensions are really only appropriate in that you're both irredeemable assholes; you lack both his tact and his cunning. When he sent me on a wild goose chase, I went because he fooled me. You, though? All you did was piss me off. Originally, now was when I was going to impress upon you the absolute joy that I would take in ending your career with a bit of forwarded evidence. I figured that I could mention the Alliance higher-ups, but remind you that C-Sec might be interested as well. This was back when this was going to be a private conversation."

Shepard turned a bit, and looked at Kaidan. He was surprised by the expression that drifted across her face. She had Udina by the throat, but he saw only regret in her eyes. When she began to speak again, though she was addressing Udina, she continued to look at him. "The silver lining to how this all turned out is that now, I don't even need to threaten you. Commander Alenko knows how you regard him, and so you can't use him anymore. The only reason it worked before is because he was unprepared. But now? Now, I think that you're going to see that underestimating him is even worse for your health than trying to manipulate me."

With that, Shepard straightened up. She eyed Kaidan for a moment, as though testing the impact of her words. Seeming satisfied with what she saw, she gave him a tight nod and then headed unceremoniously toward the door. She did not address Udina further or look back at him. She simply walked out, head held high.

Kaidan stood there in silence, a bit shell-shocked, staring the spot in front of Udina's ostentatious desk that she no longer occupied. His mind was buzzing, mostly with attempts to discredit Shepard's accusations. But it all made a decent amount of sense, and confirmed the darker edges of a few of his own suspicions. And the way she'd looked at him at the end there: as though she were sorry for the burden that she was laying upon him, but was simultaneously confident that he would shoulder it... Kaidan's eyes settled on Udina, still red faced and heaving with indignation. Suddenly regaining control, the diplomat sucked in a whistling breath and began to speak. "You will, of course, disregard the absurd and, frankly, slanderous-"

"Is it true?" Kaidan cut the older man off.

Udina drew himself up, mouth pinching into an unpleasant crinkle. "Shepard is hardly to be considered a reliable source of information as to my motivations, or, indeed, for anything that the Alliance-"

A small piece of delicate crystal sat on Udina's desk, wrought by patient hands into an abstract rendering of... something or other. The sculpture was a cherished gift from the head of a Volus trade group, the very first acknowledgment of his growing importance that the then-young man had received shortly after arriving on the Citadel. It glowed blue for an instant before rising unsteadily off the polished surface and shattering with a burst of crackling pops. Sparkling crumbs of faceted glass sailed through the air and skittered across the desk, one sliding smoothly into Udina's lap. Kaidan leaned forward and rested his hands on the expansive plane of mahogany, ignoring the dozen tiny red pinpricks that appeared on his calloused skin.

"Is. It. True?" he ground out, carefully enunciating each word.

The set of Udina's mouth told Kaidan all that he needed to know. He had been set up, by his own side, as a long shot bid to dictate Shepard's actions. And she had known, and played along regardless, all to save his sorry ass. And for her trouble, he'd treated her like the enemy. _Again._

Pushing down an internal surge of panic, Kaidan fixed Udina with a penetrating glare before turning on his heel and striding out the door. He'd deal with the Alliance brass later. There was no time for what would certainly be an endless ordeal of red tape now. Right now, he had to get to Shepard.


	3. Chapter 3

_Did I say one week? It appears I meant two. Holidays with the family and all that. Here's the last bit, finally. Beware: language and ambiguous endings. Thanks for reading._

_

* * *

_

Kaidan hurried out of Udina's office, but there was no sign of Shepard. She'd only left a few minutes before him, but she'd been moving fast. She must have been eager to avoid seeing him again. He knew where the Normandy was berthed, and rushed off in that direction. At several points, shouts of what sounded like his name echoed in the corridors behind him, but he ignored them every time. He reached the airlock that he'd paced in front of, waiting for Shepard to emerge, but the ship was already gone. She'd gotten her Spectre status reinstated after returning from the dead, mostly thanks to Anderson's influence, and that had probably helped her make a quick escape. Kaidan slumped against the paneled wall, deflated. At least she'd gotten to pull rank on someone else for once. But he had no idea how to proceed; she could have gone practically anywhere. She didn't answer to anybody anymore, and if she didn't want to be found, she wouldn't be. Anyway, given that she had stolen both a ship and a crew from The Illusive Man, she had bigger and scarier things to hide from than him.

His stomach churned a bit at that thought; he knew Shepard could more than handle herself, but The Illusive Man had literally brought someone back from the dead. He had resources at his disposal that many world governments would envy. And he couldn't be happy about losing control of a weapon as useful – and, certainly, expensive – as Shepard. Well. Kaidan squared his shoulders. That only made it more crucial that he find her. Who knew what her future looked like now, caught between the Alliance, the Reapers, and Cerberus. He had to talk to her, he had to explain... but also answers, he wanted to know what she did, he had to be ready for what was coming... he supposed he wasn't entirely sure what he was going to do if he were actually able to catch up with Shepard. There was a lot there, some of it of galactic importance. And some of it didn't matter to anyone but him. And it all kept him up at night.

So, if he were going to think logically about it, he had a few decent ideas of where to start. The simple fact that he had beat Shepard here to the Citadel suggested that the Normandy 2 wasn't in the best condition. The original model would have been able to travel much more quickly than his ship, and the new one had to be vastly superior. He didn't have many details, but the ship Cerberus had built for her had many improvements over its predecessor. On top of that, Shepard had called upon the unique skill sets of her more talented recruits in order to tweak the ship in various targeted ways, all in the hopes of surviving the unsurvivable. Now, since she didn't have Cerberus funding anymore – and, in fact, was likely pretty interested in staying off The Illusive Man's radar – she would have to find rare parts as cheaply as possible, and pay well enough that any professionals she hired wouldn't tell tales. So, she had a few logical options: she could head to Illium to see if Liara could help her out, she could go to Omega to make some deals of her own, or she could call on the Shadow Broker to pull some strings.

Kaidan thought it most likely that Shepard would start with the Shadow Broker, but that bit of reasoning didn't actually help him much. He, of course, had no idea who the Broker might be, or where he operated from. And even if Kaidan had that information, what would he do with it? Shepard might have made nice with the Broker, but she was, well, Shepard. With her force of personality, she could do things like that, things that normal people dismissed as impossible. It wasn't like he'd be able to give the Broker a quick call and ask for a favor. He supposed that left Liara as his next best bet – if Shepard went there for help, maybe he'd catch up to her. And if not, he could beg Liara for some more information. He wasn't too proud for that, and maybe the asari would have a bit more sympathy for his current motives. Anyway, that plan appealed to him more than running off to Omega. He couldn't stand it there. He always left feeling like he would never get clean again. Nothing but crime, subjugation and misery as far as the eye could see, with the closest thing to a bright spot being Afterlife – a sewer of organized crime and a playground for the rich. He could be winning when it was necessary, but Kaidan didn't fancy attempting to butter up the criminals that were the core of Aria T'Loak's empire.

Kaidan was sure that his crew had questions when he ordered the ship off to Illium for no stated reason, but that good old Alliance discipline held firm. He spent the transit time musing on how to handle a ground team; he knew it wasn't safe or smart to wander the surface by himself, but he didn't want to put any of his soldiers in the position of having to lie if this adventure went square. If he could have pulled it off, he would have left his entire crew behind and gone searching for Shepard on his own. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but he thought they'd all be okay, discipline wise. Excepting himself, of course. The crew had merely followed the orders of their commanding officer, and directed the ship to a Council world, if an unseemly one. And then they'd stood by and waited, while he did something or other. They had no reason to suspect that he was doing anything other than following his own orders, and so had no reason not to accept his command. No one could reasonably reproach them with anything. Actually, given the info that he had on Udina now, it was possible that no one would reproach him with anything either.

All of his worrying was for nothing anyway; when he finally made it to Illium, it was only to be disappointed. Liara was gone, and her assistant had vanished as well. That killed his only decent hope for reliable information. There was only one person he knew that would be both able to find out what had happened to Liara and willing to tell him, and that was Liara herself. His head was starting to hurt. Maybe that was a sign. Maybe chasing Shepard across the galaxy just to deliver an apology that she had no real reason to even accept was a bad idea. Maybe he should just let this go. What was he even hoping for, anyway? Was it really about apologizing, or was he just looking for more information? Some kind of interrogation would probably elicit an even worse response from Shepard than an unwelcome apology. Although, she had proven willing to tell him what he needed – no, deserved – to know, at least when she really had no choice. Why the hesitation on her part? Didn't she trust him? And had she really meant what she'd said, that she had hurried off to Horizon just because he was there?

Kaidan had been trudging gamely back towards his ship along the gleaming pathways of Illium, but that thought made him stop and stare numbly in front of him. God, that was it, wasn't it. That was what was torturing him, the idea that she still cared for him in a way that she didn't for her other former crew mates. He just couldn't let it go... because he couldn't let her go. He hadn't really been sure how he felt about her until, in the classic way, it had been too late. Her death had made it clear to him just what she had meant to him, and he had mourned accordingly. He'd been unable to move on accordingly. It had become the new defining moment of his life. And now, it had been erased, or at least undone, and he wasn't sure what that meant for the eighteen months of his life that he had spent trying to get back to normal. Was he mourning for his mourning period now? That was just messed up. This, this would be the absolute worst thing he could do, to lay this pile of emotional damage on Shepard's doorstep. It wasn't like she had anything on her mind these days, right?

Finally coming back to himself and realizing that he was being buffeted by angry shoppers trying to get past him, he started walking again in the direction of his ship. If he couldn't get Liara to help him track down Shepard, and if he lacked the connections to make a request of the Shadow Broker, then he would follow through on his only other thought. He would head to Omega and see what he could find out. He knew from Anderson that Shepard had worked with Aria in the course of her mission; she'd had little choice, since a few of the people she was looking to recruit had been big names on Omega. Garrus himself, if the gossip was true – supposedly, he'd been the vigilante called Archangel and cut a bloody swath through the criminal underworld. Kaidan had no way to be sure, but in his experience the gossip about Shepard, especially the more ridiculous stuff, had a way of being true. So. That meant that, if he could just come up with a reason why Aria would actually want to give him some information... well, that was the rub, wasn't it? He had nothing to bargain with, and nothing was free on Omega.

Reaching his ship's airlock, he stiffened his shoulders. He'd just have to improvise. At least he was really horrible at that, that made this whole trip more appealing. Combine that with his poor acting skills, and this ought to all go really well. And his crew, they'd love this idea. Maybe now was the time to separate from them, find passage on a trade ship or something so that he could keep this whole adventure quarantined from the Alliance side of his life. Maybe it was time to acknowledge that the Alliance part of his life was probably over. It might just have been Udina who'd been using him and lying to him, but probably not. Anderson certainly should have been aware enough to know what was going on; if nothing else, he'd been aware of the whole Horizon debacle, and that was enough.

Kaidan did an about-face, and headed back towards the busy shopping districts of Illium. He couldn't get back on the ship and expect to fool any of his crew for a minute with his head falling apart like this. He'd go get a drink, think this out. Like most biotics, he generally tried to avoid too much alcohol, but he'd crawled into a bottle after Shepard's death and a bit of that same detachment seemed like a necessity to work through all this. Shuffling into the first place he saw, he ordered up something terrifyingly blue from the console and wondered if he could really break with the group he'd been a part of for his entire adult life. The unforgiving rigidity of military structure had been the only thing that kept him going after Brain Camp, and after the Normandy's destruction. Moving on to a bright red concoction, he mused that he had never really had a choice in his career – being a biotic meant that he would be tracked and harassed for his entire life anyway, and the Alliance had offered the only real chance of legal employment that wouldn't turn him into a freak show. Had he really been dedicated to the Alliance all this time, or had he forced himself to believe that in order to validate a choice that had been made for him?

The next drink was purple, and sweet. Why was he doing this to himself? All he wanted was to apologize to an old friend that he had treated poorly, not rethink his entire life. He was supposed to be calming down, getting ready to face the crew, but instead he was getting maudlin and emotional. Dredging up old hurts wasn't going to solve any of his current problems. But he couldn't pretend that he hadn't been affected by the things Shepard had told him. And by Udina's tacit endorsement of their truth. He wouldn't be so melodramatic as to say that everything he'd ever believed had been a lie, but it certainly felt that way. He rested his forehead on the cool bar top, and wished that, just for once, the answers would come to him.

"Alenko? What did you do to yourself? No matter. Anyway, I have a message for you." The voice was slick with a hint of burr, and right behind his ear. Kaidan's head jerked up without waiting for his brain to realize what was going on, and swung in the voice's direction. A drell was sat on the stool next to him, looking rather bemused. Kaidan squeezed his temples for a moment while scrunching his eyes shut, and was startled to find the drell still waiting when he looked again. The man looked a bit unhealthy and increasingly impatient, but was no doubt very real. There didn't seem to be any point in denying his identity; what did he have to lose at this point? He was wallowing in candy-flavored cocktails in an asari bar. A push in the right direction – or even the _wrong_ direction – would almost have to be an improvement, if only for his self-respect.

"Okay. What's the message about? And who is it from?" The drell looked a bit surprised that Kaidan had finally spoken, and been reasonable at that. With a slight smile, he answered, "It's about the location of the Commander that you seek. And it's from the Shadow Broker, of course." Having successfully dropped that bomb, the messenger sat back to watch Kaidan squirm.

"You know where Shepard is? Or, the Shadow Broker knows where Shepard is, and is just going to send some guy to a bar to let me know? Do you think I'm stupid? Don't answer that. Nothing is free, especially not on Illium, and _especially_ not when the Shadow Broker is involved."

The drell smirked. Kaidan was sure that he'd be openly laughing if he wasn't on the clock. "Indeed, this information is not free, Commander Alenko. But it has already been paid for. Commander Shepard recently did a rather large favor for the Shadow Broker, and the Shadow Broker feels that helping you to catch up to Shepard would be a good way of paying her back." The drell looked Kaidan over, and gave a small shake of his head. "Myself, it seems like a strange thing. But the Broker does have an odd sense of fairness, sometimes."

Kaidan eyed the messenger for a moment, trying to spot the angle he was working. This could be an attempt to lure him into an ambush by exploiting his connection with Shepard. Not that that would ever happen, he thought wryly. Well. He didn't think the Alliance would work this quickly, and if they wanted him they had only to order his own crew to arrest him. He wasn't sure anyone else was after him, except possibly The Illusive Man. Was taking the word of a supposed messenger for the Shadow Broker any worse then heading to Omega to beg for information from syndicate heads?

"Save the personal assessment, would you? Just tell me where to go." The drell met Kaidan's annoyed gaze with his own serene one, and then tapped his omni-tool. "There. I have sent you the relevant information. May I suggest that you clean up a bit first?" The man finally did laugh this time, and then slipped off the barstool and out of sight. He moved so quickly that Kaidan knew it would be fruitless to try and follow. His head now surprisingly clear, he paid for his drinks and set off towards his ship, pulling up the forwarded message on his own omni-tool as he walked. His pace began to slow as he actually read the message. This was not going to go over very well with the crew. Kaidan sighed. A drell had magically appeared and enabled him to skip all the information gathering that he'd been dreading, and this was _still_ a career-ruining disaster. He just hoped it was worth it.

* * *

A few days later, his doubts had only increased. His crew was following orders, but he could feel their eyes on his back when he walked the corridors. According to the Shadow Broker – or, at least, according to the drell who claimed to work for him – the Normady was in orbit around Kruban. That was the third planet in the Aralakh system, right next to Tuchanka. Which made a certain amount of sense, he had to admit, given Shepard's relationship with Wrex. It was a safe place to anchor while repairs were made, with powerful backup near by and the krogans' formidable reputation to provide blanket protection. Unfortunately, the same things that made the location a good choice for Shepard made it a dicey proposition for him. Kaidan felt like he'd left things with Wrex in a relatively good place. But he wasn't sure that he wanted to bet his life on that.

With that thought in mind, Kaidan had his ship give Tuchanka a wide berth on its way to Kruban. Ideally, he could avoid the guard dogs and just get to Shepard herself. His Lieutenant had just informed him that they were within sight of the planet, although there was no sign of a ship in orbit. Kaidan wasn't surprised. It wouldn't be like Shepard to be obvious, especially while undergoing repairs. His message from the Shadow Broker had contained a comm signature, and he hoped that that would be enough to get him access to his ace in the hole. If Joker wasn't willing to play ball, Kaidan didn't know how he would get to Shepard. He knew that Joker had no love for the Alliance anymore, but his loyalty to Shepard was unquestionable. The only unknown was where Joker ranked Kaidan: good for Shepard, or bad. If this whole trip was one long gamble, then this was the biggest chance to go bust.

* * *

Joker was not the problem. He'd been positively friendly when Kaidan had contacted him, and hadn't seemed surprised at all to hear from him. Kaidan had been provided with docking clearance, a long-winded description of how awesome the new ship was, and plenty of unsolicited advice about how to make nice with Shepard. And when Kaidan had actually walked through the airlock, expecting to see Shepard or at least her XO, Joker had been stood there beaming. The pilot had given Kaidan an abbreviated tour, continually mentioning leather seats, and pointed out various crew members. And then directed him to the lift, letting him know that the entire crow's nest was given over to Shepard's quarters. Kaidan had swallowed the uneasy feeling that Shepard somehow didn't even know that he was on her ship, and headed up from the CIC.

And, no. Joker wasn't the problem. The problem was the pissed off turian standing between him and Shepard's door. Garrus looked calm and unaffected, but he was a sniper. He always looked like that, whether he was about to pay someone an understated compliment or fire an explosive round deep inside their brain pan. The turian wasn't even looking at him, as though it were some sort of bizarre coincidence that the two of them had met face-to-face in the tiny foyer in front of Shepard's quarters. It was obvious that Kaidan was going to have to make the first move, unless he'd come this far merely for a chat with Joker and a peek at the new galaxy map.

Kaidan cleared his throat. "So. Garrus. Good to see you again. Thanks for all your help before. Any chance of getting in to see Shepard? I'd like to talk to her. Try and explain a few things..."

Finally, Garrus turned to face him directly. It should have been a relief, but the turian clearly wasn't going to make this easy for him. "What would you like to explain, Alenko? Why you called her a traitor? Why you've been busy second-guessing her motivations while she's been saving you and your people, and by 'your people' I mean humans? All of them. You have no idea what she's accomplished, Alenko, or the pressures that she's been under while doing it. You have no idea how much harder you doubting her made her job. You have no idea what you did to her!"

Kaidan was prepared for Garrus' anger this time, but was no less hurt by it. He was determined not to get angry or make a scene on Shepard's doorstep, so he was willing to keep his justifications to himself. It was a strain though, and he wasn't sure how to respond to Garrus. He had to calm the turian's ire in order to move forward, but all he wanted to do was argue. His pride could only take so many hits. Garrus crossed his arms and stared at Kaidan, waiting for an answer. And Kaidan had just wound himself up to give a deeply inappropriate one when the door behind Garrus slid open. Shepard was framed in the doorway, and she looked profoundly unamused. The door was silent, so it was likely the look on Kaidan's face that caused Garrus to turn around. Some sort of nonverbal communication passed between Shepard and Garrus, and the turian turned wordlessly toward the lift. Kaidan stood frozen, staring at a region around Shepard's neck. The confrontation with Garrus had disrupted the various speeches he'd had planned, and he could only swallow reflexively. He could hear the lift's accelerators engage. He and Shepard were alone.

She cocked an eyebrow at him. "This is a surprise. Joker?"

"Yes. Also, the Shadow Broker, if you can believe it."

That surprised her. But she only looked startled for a moment before her upper lip quirked and she was suddenly laughing. Kaidan stared, surprisingly emotional. She'd always been angry or business-like or wistful when he'd seen her; somehow, to see her smiling was to underline that she was really still herself, still human, still reachable. He'd been so afraid that Cerberus had ruined her, that _he_ had ruined her, but here she was chuckling at a friend's antics. She sobered, and gestured at the room behind her with her head. "You might as well come in then. Wouldn't want to upset the merry conspirators, would we?"

Kaidan followed her into her quarters. He paused just past the threshold to take it all in. He supposed the extra space was nice, but really? A giant fish tank? Shepard seemed to have read his mind. As she settled into a comfortable-looking chair just down the short staircase, she nodded towards the wall of water. "Can you believe that thing? I filled it up four times, but the fish kept dying. Usually after I'd had a really shitty day. So now it's just my large-scale model of an acidic ocean. That, and a big-ass nightlight."

More proof of a sense of humor. But it wasn't warming his heart anymore. If she was the same person that she'd once been, how could she live like this? "What is all this, Shepard? This ship, and this crew – what are you trying to accomplish here? All these people that you've supposedly converted, from Cerberus lifers, or from whatever else they used to be, what do you think you can do with them?"

She looked up at him, her face unreadable. He didn't think that she was even going to answer him for a moment, until a small sigh escaped, and her expression shifted. She was wary, he realized. He'd called her a traitor, and he'd repeatedly questioned her motives. Of course she was hesitant to level with him.

"Alenko, it's not just what I think we can do. It's what we've_ done_. I'm not going to pretend that I've got the totality of the situation wrapped up here. I'm sure there are things I don't know. But you've got no idea what I've learned, what I've been dealing with, and you're really in no position to judge me."

"I know. I don't know what's been going on, because no one's been willing to tell me. Until you, not that you really wanted to. So, fine, you must have had your reasons, but I can help you. Obviously, you did something after the Omega-4 relay – when you got back, Anderson practically had a religious experience. I've never seen him so relieved, and I was standing there when you crawled out from under the wreckage in the Citadel tower. But I know it isn't over. There's not nearly enough of a cover-up going on. If you'd managed to actually neutralize the Reapers without everyone being confronted with them – well, it'd be like last time. They'd be quietly sweeping you under the rug somehow. But, Udina aside, the Alliance and the Council and, holy shit, even The Illusive Man are just letting you do what you need to. That tells me that they all know, whether they want to admit it or not, that something is still coming, and that they need you to deal with it. And I can help you deal with it, please. Please let me. I know you've got no reason to let me, but you're too practical to turn aside an ally. I mean, look at who you've been working with!"

Shepard had been listening quietly, expression diplomatic, until his very last sentence. Kaidan knew that he'd made a tactical error the second her eyes began to blaze with anger. He should have known better, he realized. If there was one sure way to earn this woman's ire, it was to insult her crew.

"Who I've been working with? Are you serious? Yes, I've had to recruit a few unsavory characters. And every one of them proved themselves to me, or else they wouldn't still be on this ship. And, having settled that, perhaps you'd like to discuss why I couldn't just get the band back together. Have any ideas about that, Alenko?"

She wasn't done, that was obvious, and he didn't have enough of a death wish to provoke her. Despite the sharpness of her retort, she'd stayed seated until now. She jerked herself out of her chair, and began pacing in the space in front of her bed. "And you want answers? You want to know what Anderson's so happy about, but you came here rather than ask him? Hard to believe. But, fine. We'll keep it to bullet points so that you can get off my boat a little more quickly. The Collectors are the Protheans. The Reapers don't always kill all biological life. Sometimes, they make use of it. Saren was right about that, turns out. And humans? They had a hell of an honor picked out for us. Can you guess how you make a new Reaper? By parting out a whole bunch of organics. That's what we found past the Omega-4 Relay. A Collector base, and the baby Reaper they were building there. Out of human colonists. And we destroyed the entire thing. The Illusive Man wanted me to save the base, for 'research'. But I wouldn't trust him with a pistol, never mind something like that. Oh, and one other thing. The Collectors were being directly controlled by a Reaper patron. Which means their failure has been noted. And the Reapers are coming. Soon."

Kaidan reeled backwards, his back hitting the door. He stared at Shepard, searching her expression for some sign that she was trying to hurt him with this, that this wasn't all true. All he saw was what had always been in Shepard's eyes, ever since they'd learned about the Reapers: a fierce resolve to win, no matter the odds. He shook his head futilely, trying to clear his jumbled thoughts. He walked shakily over to the desk area to his left, and sunk down into a chair. He leaned his elbows on the desk, and dropped his head into his hands. Kaidan forced himself to breathe, reminded himself that he still had reasons for being here. As he looked up, he saw his own face – Shepard had a holo of him on her desk. For just a moment, he let that be the weirdest thing he'd learned all day. And then, he turned around.

"Why, Shepard? Why did you go to all that trouble to save my ass from the people I'm supposed to be working for, only to run away? Why not let me know that I was buried up to my neck in lies? It was small compared to all of this, but don't I deserve to know? I could have come with you on this mission. I could actually have been helping to fight the Reapers, instead of just burying my head in the sand."

"You wouldn't have believed me. You didn't, the only chance I had to talk to you. And I didn't actually know most of this stuff until six weeks ago. You think telling Udina would have helped? Even Anderson is all good intentions and no results. I don't have time to chase people across the galaxy, begging for their help. I asked you once. You said no."

Kaidan stared at her. He'd been putting his foot in his mouth every time he saw her, and he wasn't going to mess this chance up. He knew Shepard. He knew that she didn't have room to doubt herself. And he knew that she couldn't resist defending her decisions when someone implied that she was wrong.

"Dammit, Alenko. Don't make me talk to you about this. It's obvious, isn't it? It would be if you could manage to think of me as the same person you saw die. But you don't. And I guess, in the strictest sense, I'm not the same person, having been through new things. But you've changed too, probably more than me. You've had more time to change. But I can still understand why you do the things you do, because I know that you're still the same fundamentally honorable person you were when I first met you – you've just had to make some compromises. Well, so have I."

That couldn't be everything. "Shepard, please." It was never that simple. "Amelia. Please."

She started. She brought her hands up to her face, perhaps trying to hide the blotches appearing on her cheeks. "I... fuck. Fuck! Look, I knew you could handle Udina. You knew that mission was bogus before you went on it, I'm sure of it. You just didn't want to disobey an order. He wouldn't have been able to do that to you again. You didn't need me to protect you. At first, I didn't want to have to tell you how far it all went. And then, I didn't want you to realize their inaction was dooming us all. I didn't want to be the one to take away your faith in the last thing you believed in."

Kaidan was shaking his head before she'd even finished speaking. "The Alliance isn't the last thing I have faith in, Shepard. I've been rather poor at showing it, I know, I've let my fears and politics get in the way, let the brass get into my head... but it's you, Shepard. It's always been you."

She looked at him, chewing at her lower lip. He wasn't sure what else to say.


End file.
